Jaws and My Fear of Sharks

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I often wonder what in the hell I would do if a shark randomly decided to make me its next happy meal. How do you survive something like that? Its not like I could wait for a marine biologist and a cop to blow it up with compressed gas. Nope. Survivors fight their own battles, plus it’s highly unlikely that Richard Dreyfuss would randomly show up and save me from a shark biting off my favorite limbs. I’m not necessarily scared of sharks, I just feel like out of all the people swimming in the ocean, a shark would overlook the fat guy on a tube and see my pale, Pinocchio-like legs and wouldn’t hesitate to rip them off with its chainsaw teeth. Okay… so maybe I am a little scared of sharks but do they really need to have that many teeth? It’s like a cruel joke.

Much like the shower scene in Hitchcock’s Psycho, Spielberg took something as innocent as swimming and turned it into a complete shit inducing nightmare. This film was so effective that when it released in 1975 it literally scared the living dayshits out of people and kept them from swimming in the ocean. These godless demon spawns that swim below our feet have no doubt ruined many childhoods. There are a number of people who haven’t set foot into a body of water no bigger than their bathtubs since the films release and I don’t blame them.

Seriously, who wants to be eaten alive while wearing a swimsuit? I sure as hell don’t.

If you think that after 37 years someone would have made a better shark film than Jaws then you would be horribly mistaken. That is, unless, you were scared so bad by Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus that you had to see a therapist because every time you got out of bed in the middle of the night you thought a shark would shoot through the floor and drag you into the dark depths of its blue hell… If that is the case, then you have much worse things to worry about my friend.

That is why Jaws is such a special film. In the many years since its release no one has been able to do it better. So for that, I thank you Mr. Spielberg for creating one of the most iconic monsters in cinematic history. Out of all of his amazing work, this is perhaps his greatest masterpiece. It is one of the most effective thrillers ever made and will no doubt continue to ruin the lives of many. Including my own.

As always, thanks for reading.

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If you are ever attacked by a gorilla just sit back and relax while you enjoy the once in a life time feeling of your limbs being ripped off.

17 thoughts on “Jaws and My Fear of Sharks

  1. Haha. Great post. I think I’d be very concerned, not about my mutilated body being dragged onto a beach for all the onlookers to gawp at, but more at the onlookers seeing me in my speedos. It would be worse still, if I’d forgotten to stuff a sock down the front before going for a dip. 😉

    1. Haha! Oh dude, wearing a speedo in the ocean is like asking a shark to take a nibble. If that were the case, I’d hope the shark would just take the entire bottom half of me.

    1. Lol the ocean is just one massive and terrifying place. There is so much about it that is unknown. Glad I’m not the only one scared of “underwater monsters”!

      1. When I was a kid, we had a book that was about like ocean creatures? And it had this whole section devoted to leviathons and what those might be/have been and such. And there was this picture of about the size they thought a leviathon would be with a diver in front of him for scale. Just this giant, enormous monster and this incredibly tiny little diver in front of him underwater. I had nightmares about that picture for years. 😛

      2. Lol I know what you mean! Those books can be terrifying for little kids. They would always put the scale up next to a school bus and since I rode the bus, it always freaked me out lol.

  2. I read a few of Peter Benchley’s books and several of them are devoted to keeping other people out of the ocean. He’s always pictured on the back of his books standing on his sailboat with his dog, casually leaning against the mast with a smirk.

    I understand now, that the smirk is a casual, “get the fuck out of my waters, bait boy”. Selfish prick.

  3. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…(Shark bites nuts off, voice goes to falsetto)…suddenly I’m not half the man I used to beeeeeee!!!!

  4. Great post. Loved the use of the giant quote in the middle, and the pictures you used for your blog.

    I think you are right when you bring up how memorable Jaws was. Everyone who sees the film is left with lasting memories. Part of that is due to the theme song that follows Jaws on his “adventures.”

    1. Thanks man! You are totally right, it’s one of those movies that everyone thinks of at least once before going into the ocean. Not many films can say that. And the music is iconic.

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