Surviving Don’t Breathe

If you ever find yourself in fight for survival against a cult of witches, soul-possessing demons, slasher maniacs, brain-eating undead, girls that are actually dudes at summer camp, and any other monster the genre has to offer, here are some tips that might keep you from becoming someone (or some thing’s) next happy meal.

Surviving Don’t Breathe — How to not get murdered by a blind psychopath with a gun in 5 steps.

Step 1:

  • Don’t be an asshole that steals from old people. This is probably the most important step as it allows you to skip steps 2-4. If you are an asshole that steals from old people, however, continue to step 2.

Step 2:

  • Don’t move. Don’t make a sound. Homeboy is blind, so you should be safe. If you screw this step up, it’s your own fault and you deserve what happens to you. Also, beware of dog.

Step 3:

  • If you see a turkey baster, it’s too late. Just wait for it to be over.

Step 4:

  • Find a crowbar. Use it and use it A LOT.

Step 5:

  • Survive.

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If you are ever attacked by a gorilla just sit back and relax while you enjoy the once in a life time feeling of your limbs being ripped off.

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